Pardon me

Today we're going to be talking about farting. Now, bear with me, I know it's a bit embarrassing but everyone does it. Just the same as weeing and pooing! Absolutely everyone - the King, Kylie Minoghue, James McAvoy, Nicola Sturgeon. Who makes these rules? If you sneezed in front of strangers you wouldn't be particularly embarrassed. Air erupting out your mouth or air erupting out your bum? What's the difference? I'd clean my ears with a cotton bud (disclaimer - don't put anything smaller than your elbow in your ears) in front of people but pick my nose? Who says ear wax is alright but bogies aren't? I would discuss eye discharge (aka 'sleep') with someone at the bus stop but probably not vaginal discharge! Belly fluff is not too rude but bum fluff is? I openly get my eyebrows waxed but I'm a lot more discrete about my bikini waxing. When did all this prudishness start? Did cave men apologise to their tribe if they bottom burped in the cave? It started somewhere at sometime! And let's not start on women's mensuration! Heaven forbid. Anyway, I digress, where was I? Ah yes talking about embarrassing farting. Now when I was a lass I had some control. Let's say I was on a first date, and I felt one brewing, I could leave the room before trumpeting. Or if I was in an interview or the theatre, and it was difficult to leave the room I could let it out slowly, to ensure no pumping noises - not even a squeak! But since I hit 50 something has changed. If I so much as get up off the chair or pick up my pen from the floor I let one out! And I had no idea it was even there. I get as much a surprise as anyone else that heard it. I'm putting it down to old age. I know someone else who is older and does the very same thing, mentioning no names lol. Oh, at this point I will tell you, believe it or not, but I'm not a very frequent farter (then or now) and it rarely smells! I mean when it does stink it really stinks, like I had a dead badger up my arse, but more often it's like roses. This is a true fact, ignore my husband! 

Well on that note I shall leave you for another week. Have a lovely Valentine with or without a partner. I shall be alone, watching TV and eating chocolate! (Diet? What diet? Oh yes that diet!)

PS the photo is my photo for my new passport. You take it that big and they crop it. All done online! Ah modern technologies. I look a bit scary, serial killer springs to mind lol.

If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.