A storm

 

If you're expecting a quick repartee I'm afraid I'm going to disappoint you. My funny bone is wearing a plaster-cast. My Eeyore cloud has turned into a storm. I've not been coping so well.

My house is like a mental asylum. My daughter is doing great but my son is struggling. Even Libby came into our bedroom at 3am Wednesday morning having an anxiety attack! It was one of the alarm sensors beeping due to a low battery. She doesn't like strange noises, and I was panicked because I didn't know what was wrong with her, and obviously any strange behaviour is worrying, incase it's a step closer to her demise.

I can't say too much about Isaac, as that wouldn't be fair but I can say his Asperger's is having an effect. He's dealing with a lot of changes just now - coming home to live, getting a full time job, volunteering for National Trust and about to go to a new university to do his masters! And his difficulties and struggles are so hard to watch. I'm simply not coping and my mental health is in a bad place.

I'm feeling helpless and hopeless and decided on Wednesday (after dropping 3 fried eggs onto the floor) that it was best to hand in my notice at the restaurant. My boss said she didn't want me to resign and offered me a months unpaid leave. This is amazing because not only did she not want me to go, she also offered me a solution. It's never a good idea to make big decisions when your head is not in a place to make any decisions! I am extremely grateful and it is exactly what I needed, some space to recover.

I went straight home and once I'd stopped crying I packed a bag and went to my mum's. I just needed my mum. A mum hug. And some sensible advice from my dad, and blow off of some steam with my Geordie mates who have known me forever! The ones I trust and can tell anything to. I also felt getting away from the pressure cooker would help Isaac as much as myself. He has an interview for a new job this morning and the last thing he needs is me. I've left him in the capable (and calmer) hands of his father and sister! Good luck to Isaac today though.

On a lighter note I will share my Thursday morning with you. It started with a healthy walk and mental health podcast. But I just got so warm and sweaty. Shower didn't help. Then I had to fix my mum's bathroom pulley thing. OMG I was so hot! My mascara was running down my face, the sweat stopping me from seeing clearly. I was getting more and more worked up and angry. Like proper cross! I left to drive to a friend's house. In the car I'm desperately trying to get freezing cold air onto my face. I had to connect the phone to Mark's car then find sat nav, all with my mum at the front door checking I'm ok because I hadn't driven off yet! I just wanted to scream and swear and kick something. I was relieved that Karen didn't have a cat (only kidding - I would never kick a cat. A human, maybe. But never an animal). By the time I got to Karen's house I'd cooled down and calmed down - Karen was safe! 

Depression hits. But I hit back.

This week's photo is of a grape! Yep, not a plum.

No career interview this week. I've got no zest.

PS if you know someone fighting depression remember it's not about sadness but guilt, confusion, paranoia, frustration, fear and a host of other emotions! And sadness can be thrown in too, just for good measure. Give someone a hug today xx