Perfect me?

I made a mistake at work this week. It was a big boob and my boss was really great but I felt so bad. It was simple but avoidable and I know mistakes happen. We all make mistakes don't we? I've made some hum dingers in the past. Some I'll talk about (singing and swearing in the bank then being sick in the lift - after Xmas lunch) and some just make me want to curl up in embarrassment! However I realised this week that I felt so bad about this most recent error because I aim to be perfect. Which is hilarious because I'm anything but perfect. I'm so far from perfect I'm off the scale! But I'm devastated that I'm not perfect. I've always wanted to be a bit Stepford wife. Hair done, smartly dressed, perfect nails, baking and cooking, everyday. You're lucky if I'm all of these things once a year!  Look at the photo. That's my banana cake. I was super excited as I'd added chocolate chips (don't worry, I hate banana cake).  Long story short, I thought it was baked, I took it out of oven. Went to turn it out and it fell apart and was raw. It wasn't going back in the tin so I microwaved it. That was the result. Apparently it was delicious, though it looked as absolute mess.

Also, what classes as a mistake. If I eat out of date yogurt that makes me ill, I could say that it was a mistake to eat it. But what if I didn't know it was out of date? The mistake is different. Or is it? I've confused myself now. You see, a perfect person wouldn't confuse themselves.

I've failed in loving myself. It's not working. I've decided I have no option but to go on a diet. Healthy eating isn't cutting it. I need to lose weight so that's it. Back to eating less food i.e. counting and reducing my calories. It's a bummer but I have to try. Yet again! 

I can't wait to have a glass of wine. I've managed dry January. Not sure why really. I don't feel any different at all. I was drinking too much in December so I'm sure my liver and kidneys are feeling great but I've not noticed anything at all. My biggest problem is chocolate. I am absolutely addicted! So February is going to be chocolate and sugar free! I won't cope. I'll be climbing the walls. But I need to go cold turkey to see if I can rid or reduce my cravings. Wish me luck. 

The greatest illusion is that life should be perfect.